Audi RS6 Avant (C7)

2014 Audi RS6 Avant

Quite a rare opportunity to have one of these, the all-new RS6 Avant from Audi is what happens when you take a posh station wagon for European moms whose husbands spend most of their nights getting pints of lager and then transform it into a swagger wagon where moms had changed and then turn their swagger on to beat up their husbands and their friends.

Think of it like...um...this wagon's fueled with so many Braniacs on it. So many Braniacs in it, you are gonna regret that you're going to abuse this wagon more and more until it screams "uncle" in German. The question is, how "Braniac" can this new RS6 Avant be? First of all, it started in life as an ordinary A6 Avant and then what just happened is when you let someone named "Mabel" goof off with the wagon until it turned into a monster wagon that is the total equivalent of the most hateful comic book hero named Deadpool. Seriously, how come they're some morons became fans of Deadpool? I wonder...

But it's not all about having a Deadpool-style personality that matched the RS6's exterior but the interior feels like it's been smothered in leather jumpsuits.

2014 Audi RS6 Avant interior

I mean look at the interior. It's about as dark as a monolith while the panels are made to look like carbon fiber. Now that's uncanny and that's not the end of it because RS sport seats with pronounced side bolsters and integrated head restraints really add character to the RS6's interior. Honestly, being a hardcore station wagon made for very aggressive moms is just plain stupid. I mean, imagine when you're fetching your kids at school and when you heard that when your kid just got detention, not only you got mad because of this, and then you're going to slap him at home, but the punishment for this makes him scare by pulling some deadly stunts until your kid gets too intense and crying loudly. Wow, that's even more punishing than spanking him with a leather belt or for worse, cutting off the head of his favorite teddy bear.

No wait....rather than using either a scissor or a knife to cut off the head of his beloved teddy bear that he often cuddled during bedtime, perhaps the only way to cut off Mr. Teddy Bear's head rather than the knife or scissors is raw performance of the RS6 because of the monster that lives under the bonnet.

It has the same 4.0L TFSi engine that you'll get on the Audi S8 so it produces about a meat cleaver-ish 560 hp of power and if you are using the English metric system...the torque output is 700 Nm, that's more torque than the Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG Black Series and if you strapped his favorite teddy bear onto the tires, be prepared because the torque's too much to shred the poor teddy bear into bits. So, the kid's finally learned his lesson? Not quite yet because there's more to that than ruining his teddy bear using the torque from the RS6's V8 twin-turbo engine. What else can Angry Mom rip off? There's only one answer...another one of his son's plushies! He he he...

Anyway, enough about that because this is getting too sensible and too intense. It's going to feel like you've been spending all night reading too many Deadpool volumes but if all goes too wrong...the only way for a little bit of "RAGE QUIT" is to drive the RS6 Avant because "RAGE QUIT" is what it does best because, with so many torques on such a 5-door wagon body, this is not the nicest wagon for you to drive if you are very polite. This RS6 Avant wants more Edgar Allan Poe-ish and more Hannibal Lecter-ish and with the expensive pricing of 107,900 euros, rated SPG as well. SPG as in...STRONG PARENTAL GUIDANCE.

You got to love the new RS6 Avant because, with so much torque, the biggest punishment you'll ever give next time when your son gets a strike three is...well, you know what to do...

Okay... You know what, this is getting a bit too much Deadpool on this review. I think I should call this one a wrap.

Available colors: Ibisweiß, Suzukagrau Metallic, Daytonagrau Perleffekt, Misanorot Perleffekt, Phantomschwarz Perleffekt, Estorilblau Kristalleffekt, Pantherschwarz Kristalleffekt, and Prismasilber Kristalleffekt.

Photo: AUDI AG