Man 1: Hello and welcome to Have I Got News For You. My name is [BLEEP] [BLEEP] and in today's top stories, it seems that it's not a good idea dipping a hamburger to a ketchup because your friend may get you noticed why are you dipping your burger to a ketchup....
(audience laughing)
...then if you are ordering a pizza, the best way to pay by cash is by accidentally fall your cash to the floor and ask the delivery guy to come and get it...
(audience laughing)
....and then when basketball players passing balls to their teammate, it seems that the coach joins the passing game...
Coach With The Assist! - Watch More Funny Videos
(audience laughing)
...wow, coach. Seems that you're joining the game as well...kind of...Anyway, that's this week's news and let's begin with on my left panel is a gym teacher of some prestigious college somewhere in the national capital region, whose hobby was collecting...something. It's [BLEEP] [BLEEP]
(cheers and applause)
Gym Teacher: Thank you! Thank you very much....
Man 1: Also next to the gym teacher is some one of my friends I used to hang out after work at Gilligan's Island in Festival Supermall. He's a sort of mokong who kinda feels like Mokujin...kind of....
(audience laughing)
...ladies and gentlemen, it's [BLEEP] [BLEEP]!
(cheers and applause)
Man 2: Why, nice to meet you! Thanks!
Man 1: And now, onto my right panel, she's a teacher from a private school at some province in Luzon. After hours, she loves to make chika to her pals about what's in, what's out, what's ooh, what's eww, well, the usual stuff. It's [BLEEP] [BLEEP]!!!
(cheers and applause)
Teacher: Hi, [BLEEP]! Nice to meet you, too!
Man 1: And lastly, next to her is some gadget junkie who lives at some posh condo in Alabang, Muntinlupa City. He sees his gadgets as an investment as much as toys. Well, I never invested on anything than my life...Say hello to [BLEEP] [BLEEP]!
(cheers and applause)
Man 3: Hi there!
Man 1: And let's begin the show! Now, Mr. Gym Teacher, sir, and my best pal, sir. Sir ma'am sir...I have news for you.
Gym Teacher: What?
Man 1: Say, do you like cars?
Gym Teacher: Uh, oh yes! I like cars. I drove a Toyota FX at work you know.
Man 1: Yeah, right. You're driving a Toyota and if you're a fan of Toyota, here's something that clears everything up...(ahem) There was a report that Toyota Motor Corporation is back at being number one...
Man 2: Number one at what? Number one of having the most number of cars being recalled?!
(audience laughing)
Teacher: Number one at forgetting about the unintended acceleration case?
(audience laughing)
Man 1: Uh...nope. Number one carmaker in the world in terms of sales after it reportedly sold almost ten million cars in 2012, while General Motors is second and Volkswagen's third place.
"Toyota is once again the world's No. 1 carmaker in terms of sales after it reportedly sold 9.75 million vehicles in 2012, according to TheDetroitBureau.com.
In second place is General Motors with 9.29 million vehicles, while Volkswagen comes in at a close third with 9.1 million vehicles"
Source: Top Gear PhilippinesGym Teacher: Wow! Toyota's back at being the number one automaker in the world. I guess that the success of the Toyota 86 sports car really payed of to get this Japanese carmaker back on top after a mass recall in 2010 and the March 11, 2011 disaster at the Tohoku region.
Man 2: Yeah, not bad for Toyota but I think that it may not gonna last longer because as we know, Toyota is still on cases about recalls. I think General Motors may come back on top again because...well, between you and me...have you guys saw the new Corvette?
(audience laughing)
Man 3: I do! And I played that on Gran Turismo 5 via free DLC.
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| 2014 Chevrolet Corvette Stingray Final Prototype |
Man 1: Yeah, totally epic indeed but sadly though, I think I'll pass. I would choose the Viper instead of the Vette...
(audience laughing)
Man 2: Why?
Man 1: Because, I am one of the Viper fans admitting that Vipers are better than Corvettes because Vipers are America's speed kings. The Corvette is...um...how can I say it politely? Well, I don't know...Not my type. Sure, Corvettes have a long history but seems that it's not the right car for me.
Man 2: Aw, come on!
Man 1: Forget about it! Forget about it! I don't like Corvettes and that's the end of it...
(audience laughing)
Man 2: Fine, if that's what you want but for me, I like this new model better. It's better looking than the SRT Viper.
Teacher: Anyway, when I was in the UK, well, I went there to see my friends for a change, my kids saw this show called Tweenies.
Man 1: Tweenies? That show for pre-schoolers called Tweenies?
Teacher: Yes, my kids love this show but sadly, only in the UK so they can only see that show if we're there...
Man 1: Yeah, I know but....there's a news that really bothers me...
Teacher: What is it?
Man 1: There was that news about that encore presentation of the Tweenies as seen on cbeebies, the BBC's pre-school channel, which the episode was aired in 2001 showed some sort of...Jimmy Saville spoof on that episode...
 |
| A Jimmy Saville spoof from Tweenies |
“BBC apologises after episode of children’s show The Tweenies features character dressed as child sex abuser Jimmy Savile.” Source: Daily Mail
Teacher: Who's Jimmy Saville? I don't who's Jimmy Saville is and what's the big deal about it?
(audience laughing)
Man 3: He was that old guy who died about two years ago. He was once a presenter of some show from the BBC and what I heard is, he's a (whispering) pedophile....
Man 1: A what?
Man 3: He's a pedophile. Jimmy Saville's a child sex abuser who spent his years molesting children. That repeat episode of a classic kids show aired on cbeebies, it sparked tons of complaints saying that this is deem to be inappropriate. Kinda like some episode of a family show that has an inappropriate character on it...
(audience laughing)
Teacher: So you were saying is that Jimmy Saville was a sex offender and a pedophile who sexually abused children during his six-decade tenure in the entertainment industry? My gosh, guess their childhood ruined.
Man 3: You betcha, ma'am. CHILDHOOD RUINED!!!
(audience laughing)
Man 1: Childhood ruined for her kids....good thing that Mr. Jimmy Saville's in hell right now two years ago. Guess he won't be coming back molesting innocent children or for worse some kids shows having characters spoofing or acting like Jimmy Saville. Good thing I don't like Teletubbies....
(audience laughing)
Man 2: Me neither...
Teacher: Why? My kids often watched those while they were young....
Man 1: Trust me, madam but some people say that Teletubbies are a bit...um...gay.
(audience laughing)
Teacher: What?
Man 1: Gets worse, okay? Now, listen. When I was on the internet, I just saw a clip about who are the people behind the Teletubbies and you know what I saw?
All: What?
Man 1: Those...
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| Teletubbies unmasked |
(audience laughing)
All: WHOA!!!!
Teacher: Seriously?
Man 1: Yes it is, ma'am and if that wasn't enough, I went to the internet and I found this...
(audience laughing)
Teacher: You're kidding, right?
Man 3: Wait a minute...are you sure that woman on that pic was used to be that sun with the baby's face on it?
Man 1: Uh...I dunno but...those morons think that this girl was the one. She's that Teletubbies sun baby of some sorts....
Gym Teacher: Oh come on! Perhaps a figure of their childhood memories turned into some kind of a Jersey Shore girl?
(audience laughing)
...I mean come on out here!!!
Man 2: This is just like that Family Guy episode when Stewie went to the BBC to see Jolly Farm Revue, only turned out that everything he saw on TV were fakes, especially the one called Mother Maggie on it. Stewie thinks that she supposed to be lyrical like an angel but turns out she's as rude as hell...Anyone saw that episode?
(all murmuring)
...well, what can I say? Childhood Ruined. It really burns your heart worse than what Moriaty said (mimicks Moriaty) I WILL BURN THE HEART OUT OF YOU!!!!
(audience laughing)
Man 1: Well, that's enough of your Moriaty mimick stuff and...um...there's a lesson that goes "You just realized...kids shows aren't as innocent as you thought". Pretty soon, when kids starting to notice what's behind the scenes on their favorite kids shows, they're going to be shocked and render them traumatized, having their childhood ruined.
Man 3: Yeah, and there's more to that thing you said about ruined childhood. You know, when parents said to their kids about the real truth behind their favorite kids characters, let's just say either Spongebob or Rugrats or Ed Edd and Eddy or Teletubbies or any kind of kids shows; that shocking truth really traumatized the kids. Seems that their parents really want to ruin their kids' childhood memories but who to blame. Better yet, best not to tell the kids the shocking revelations behind their childhood heroes or else...well what can I say? Childhood ruined....
(audience laughing)
Man 1: Thank you for that Mr. Geek-a-tron 3000....(laughing)
Man 3: Hey now, I went on the internet and I found this...
 |
| Nissan Elgrand E52 |
Man 1: What's this?
Man 3: It's a Nissan Elgrand but it's the latest E52 model. It's launched in Japan since the summer of 2010 and it's definitely one of the best Japanese luxury MPVs ever built. Now, it gets even better because what Nissan said is that they've tweaked the Elgrand's Around View Monitor with new features such as Motion Object Detection and Collision Avoidance Assist.
Man 1: Wait a minute...Motion Object Detection? Collision Avoidance Assist? On the Elgrand's Around View Monitor? How does it work, my man?
Man 3: Well, to be honest, the new Motion Object Detection helps detect incoming objects right through the Elgrand's Around View Monitor and that new Collision Avoidance Assist helps the car brake by itself in a near-collision scenario, even backwards. That will help those who are having trouble parking their cars...
Man 1: Yeah, wish I want that kind of car...
(audience laughing)
...oh hey! Heard the news? Seems that the senate's approving the Alternative Fuel Vehicles Incentives Act...that means...
Man 3: That means that Philippines is getting some new eco-friendly electric cars or plug-in hybrids right?
Man 1: Exactly! What?
(audience laughing)
Teacher: Well, when you said about Senate approving the Alternative Fuel Vehicles Incentives Act of 2013, that bill said that there will be incentives given to cars with alternative fuel, especially hybrids, right? I mean here's what really sums it up...
"Based on the bill, fiscal and non-fiscal incentives shall be granted to the importation and manufacture of electric, hybrid and other vehicles that use alternative sources of energy such as, but not limited to, solar, wind, hydrogen fuel cell, compressed natural gas or liquefied natural gas, methane and liquefied petroleum gas."
Source: Top Gear Philippines
Man 2: I guess that hybrids are on the rise, right? If that come to fruition, guess we Filipinos will be buying hybrids on a budget thanks to such incentives. Wish Honda Cars Philippines will bring hybrids to compete...
Man 3: Yeah, and you know who's the brainchild responsible on this act?
ALL: Who was it?
Man 3: Among one of them responsible for this bill were none other than...Vicente Sotto III...
Man 1: Tito Sotto? That guy responsible for the anti-cybercrime news?! Oh my goodness, I'm not favor for that kind just because a man who wants to scare us with the "libel" stuff on the anti-cybercrime law was responsible for this....Speaking of which, the TRO's going to expire an everyone's will be all black in the world of social networking here....
(audience laughing)
...and I guess we're running out of time here. And before we go, I just wanna say thanks to the panelists for coming at this day and also...ARE YOU READY FOR SIX NATIONS RUGBY?
Good night, everybody!
(cheers and applause)
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