Mini John Cooper Works Countryman

We start off with the MINI COUNTRYMAN. Sadly though, I really really hate this car because of numerous reasons. One, it's targeted for those who have a Playstation3. Two, it's for those who got tantalized over the PS3-only DLC costumes on THE IDOLM@STER 2 such as Stratos Butterfly, Burning Performer, White School Swimsuit, Cutie Insect, Rainy Suzuran, Dressy Alice, Random Color Beauty, Digital Spacecraft, Full Bloom Yukata Dress, and Devilkin Swimming Suit. Three, it's for those who got busy watching anime shows on Crunchyroll on their PS3. And worst of all, it's also for Whovians. Bowties are cool, fezzes are cool, stetsons are cool, bunk beds are cool, glasses are cool, hmph. Sorry if I have to waste the whole day about why I hate this car but now, there's a hotter version which I hate it in every different way...

2013 Mini JCW Countryman

This is the Mini John Cooper Works Countryman, the car I really hate has now been spiced up a bit. First of all, it comes from the hot John Cooper Works models, which are known to be the hotter MINIs for the serious enthusiasts but for the first time, JCW with ALL4 all-wheel-drive system as standard is definitely calling out as the road-going version of the Countryman WRC car. It seems that with the know-how of the rally car, the JCW Countryman is like a different kind of wild animal...wearing a fez really.

2013 Mini JCW Countryman interior

But still, this is the bulkiest MINI I have ever encountered because it has four doors or maybe because of its 4WD layout. It takes a single half-765 Productions producer, half-Gallifreyan to understand this car of this size and for this one, this gets worse. The turbocharged 1.6L engine produces 218HP of power, a wibbly wobbly timey wimey 0-60mph time of seven seconds and a top speed of 225 km/h (140 mph) for the manual and 223 km/h (139 mph) for its automatic sibling. Sounds intriguing but for a real fun, it might be best to drive if you're putting on either of your Stratos Butterfly, Burning Performer, White School Swimsuit, Cutie Insect, Rainy Suzuran, Dressy Alice, Random Color Beauty, Digital Spacecraft, Full Bloom Yukata Dress, or Devilkin Swimming Suit.

2013 Mini JCW Countryman

The recipe of making a JCW Countryman is simple. First, start off with everything why I hate the Mini Countryman beginning with the outfits I mentioned several times. I got a huge washing machine which I will do some ridiculous things serving as a tortured metaphor for this car. (Insert Top Gear V8 invention joke here) Put those PS3-only IM@S 2 outfits such as Stratos Butterfly, Burning Performer, White School Swimsuit, Cutie Insect, Rainy Suzuran, Dressy Alice, Random Color Beauty, Digital Spacecraft, Full Bloom Yukata Dress, and the Devilkin Swimming Suit in the washing machine. These will serve as the bodywork for the JCW Countryman. Next, let's put something such as Tiny TARDIS Pies, Sonic Screwdrivers, Radioactive-Spuds with Cool Avocado Cream, K-9 Dogs with Mustard Onions, Ginger Companions, Fish Fingers (and Chips) with Custard, Mini Chocolate Dalek Cakes, those kind of snacks when you're planning for a Doctor Who viewing party. These will serve as the turbocharged engine that powered the 1.6L Turbo engine for the JCW Countryman. What's next? Oh yeah! Bowties! Fezzes! Stetsons! Glasses! I should put it too and these will serve as the JCW Countryman's coolness. For an added bite, some bovril, beef, and brick. (laughing) Set the LOAD SIZE to SUPER, TEMPERATURE to COOL, pull knob to start, and wait for 1 hour....

While waiting for an hour. Who should I be? I should be dressed either as the 9th, Rose, the 10th, Martha, The Master, Donna, the 11th, Amy, Rory, River, or any Doctor Who character I know. If I chose which Who character I'd be, preferably the 11th because he's cool, I should head back to the washing machine and for the finished product. Serve it in and enjoy...

Well, obviously, the finished product will leave my Gallifreyan cardiovascular system (two hearts) pulse faster and blow my skull into bits but as a taste sensation, I'm not sure if it works because basically, I got the name for it! THE BLOODY AWFUL!!!

This is often the way cars are meant to be "IT'S MORE FUN IN GRAN TURISMO", they have the weirdest of ingredients but there's no heart, there's no fun, and worst of all, quite shocking and dangerous. This isn't shocking or dangerous but there is one big drawbacks. First of all, it was the price, the JCW Countryman will cost you about 34,800 Euros for the one with 6MT while the one with the 6AT may cost you 36,340 Euros. Another drawback to this car is its 4WD. Because it's heavy, handling the JCW Countryman is as hard as you've been wrestled down a panda in sumo wrestler's attire. Sports suspension works fine on racetracks but on the road, it's a bit nasty and uncomfortable. And lastly, well, being a Mini Countryman, I really hate it for being "IT'S MORE FUN IN GRAN TURISMO". I once drove the MINI COOPER S COUNTRYMAN in GT5 and I have to say that this is the kind of car I really hate for being, well, you get the idea.

To sum up then, the spiced-up version of the Countryman is definitely not a good car to keep it in your garage. This car might be best if you were living in either Leadworth or Cwmtaff.